New Years is a time of new beginnings and fresh starts. It heralds in a new year and many people make promises to start afresh and to renew themselves and better themselves. Resolutions are made and resolutions are broken but the spirit is the same. To change oneself and to embrace something new. This is the point of this post. To ask you and implore you to always be ready for new experiences and new understandings this new year.
Speaking of new beginnings, I have something of note to share with you on this most auspicious of occasions. This is something I have wrestled with for a good long while and which I have only just gained an acceptence of. It grew from a sense of unease to distress, something that has on more than one occasion, consumed me. A feeling of unease and loathing of my own body, culminating in me barely being able to look at my own face in thr mirror. I could scarcely believe that the face looking at me was my own, it was like looking into the face of a stranger. My own body became increasingly alien to me. I didn’t understand it then but I now know that I was undergoing dysphoria but why?
I lived my life thinking this was the norm, something that every man went though, the self-loathing and not being able to see your own face when looking in a mirror. Then a revelation hit me. I had never truly identified with being a man or with the concept of maleness, thrust upon me when I was born when I was assigned my gender at birth. It is a concept which is completely foreign to me. I had always identified more strongly with women and female characters. I still remember that my favorite character of all time was and still is Captain Amelia from Treasure Planet. I remember thinking with giddy excitement that I didnt just wanted to emulate her but that I wanted to grow up to be just like her. Another spark was reading about a fan fiction about two minor female characters attending university and falling in love. As their love for each other blossomed, I felt a deep longing and pangs of jealousy. But above all, a grea connection and understanding with this.
I realized then that I wasn’t cis but being trans? That terrified me. I was 18 and decided to go first with gender questioning then genderqueer, calling myself pansexual. I used almost exclusively she/herpronouns with whoever I knew would accept me but the idea of being a woman and womanness was something that seemed far from reach, an ideal that was unattainable.
Now I feel a great feeling of euphoria in who I am. I want to grab everyone bythe shoulders and tell them
I AM NATALIE
I AM A TRANS WOMAN
I AM 150% GAY
ABD THATS JUST WHO I AM!
You can hate me, scorn me, call me a freak or a monster. I have received my share of hate and death threats already. But that will never change who I am and who I always will be.
A happy new year to you all.